With the holiday season in full swing, many U.S. adults find themselves experiencing a significant increase in stress levels while managing work, family, and personal affairs all at once. But with a full plate of responsibilities, how can one balance their load and some much-needed repose during this busy time of the year?
Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist, talk show host, and founder of DML Psychological Services, told The Informer there are ways to help people manage stress during the holiday season.
She emphasized the importance of prioritizing self-care to avoid burnout, and set achievable New Year’s resolutions to promote overall well-being.
This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.
WI: The holidays can be such a stressful time. Women, in particular, often take on a lot of stress when hosting family gatherings, cooking for holiday dinners, etc. What can people do to help balance their load to prevent burnout during the holiday season?
Dr. Leno: I have attended my fair share of family events, and one of the things I’ve noticed is that women tend to take hosting very seriously. And so for us, that [often] means doing everything, when really, we need to rethink and reframe what it means to host. Hosting may mean, “I’m going to prepare this meal,” or “I’m going to decide the location, and then I’m going to delegate some of the other tasks and seek out help.”
We try to do it all because we think it’s the right thing to do when we’re thinking of etiquette.
There is nowhere that states we have to do it all just because we’re planning, because it is very, very stressful. And you want to be able to enjoy your time.
WI: How does stress manifest in the body?
Dr. Leno: People may notice that their immune system is not functioning as well. So, they’re feeling more fatigued. They’re sleeping a lot or not sleeping enough. They’re feeling like they don’t have the energy that they need. They’re feeling on edge. Their mind or heartbeat may be racing, and they’re just feeling an inability to relax. And so sometimes, we tend to try to separate mental and physical health, but there’s no way to separate them.
So just be on the lookout for when you’re feeling depressed, and you notice your back is aching, for example, it may be connected because it can be harder to heal. I always say, “improve your mental health, improve your life,” because no matter what you’re going through, if you can find just even just a small bit of happiness, you will find yourself healing. You’ll find yourself just starting to feel better [and notice], [you] didn’t catch as many colds this year because [you] had a better year, or [weren’t] feeling down and out.
WI: The holiday seasons can also be a depressing time for those who have lost family or are alone. What can people do to help manage depression and sadness during this time?
Dr. Leno: [The holidays] can be a very difficult time, especially if you’re dealing with loss. So first things first, you must be patient with yourself. You’re not going to be able to do it all. Give yourself some downtime, some alone time. But, it’s okay if you spend time with others and still, within that space, take a step back to your own space if you need to cry.
[It helps to] have that person who is almost like an accountability partner, that person who kind of knows you’re not feeling your best and they’re like, “Are you okay?” It’s also okay to laugh, sometimes. When we’re grieving, we can feel guilty about feeling good, and so sometimes you stand in your own way of healing when that happens because you feel like you’re not supposed to be laughing and enjoying yourself right now. Allow yourself to feel your feelings is what I always say, because they’re natural. You may be laughing one minute, but you may need to cry a few minutes later. Give yourself that ability to do that.
And, again, balance if you need to have some downtime, where you’re alone and you’re staying at home. Do that, but don’t spend too much time in that space because that’s also not healthy. You do need to interact with other people. And if you don’t have close friends or families, you may seek out a support group. You may talk to a therapist, because the therapist will work with you and help you determine what’s going to be some best things for you to do. You never want to get to a point where you’re feeling completely hopeless, because that’s when severe depression starts to kick in, those irrational thoughts, or suicidal ideations can start to kick in. So there’s always support whether you had it immediately at your fingertips or not.
WI: Some people are overwhelmed by the expectation to spend the holidays with family, often struggling to decline invitations to holiday dinners or events. What do you suggest to people who are working to maintain their peace or enforce boundaries?
Dr. Leno: It can be very difficult, but we must practice saying ‘no’, and decide what we’re going to attend and what we’re going to decline. It’s okay to just be honest with people and say you know, ‘I have enough on my plate right now, I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed. So I’m not going to be able to make it.’ Or, we decide it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. [You can] decide to go, but [that means] going to stay for an hour, or whatever feels good for you.
Keep it really casual. Sometimes there’s a struggle because family members may not be on the best terms with somebody in that space. And so again, maybe you can have a conversation beforehand if it’s going to feel awkward to you to have to interact with [a particular] person. Or you just decide, I’m going to go, I’m just going to stay in my space and enjoy the people that I enjoy being around, and then I’ll leave.
You have to decide up front what you’re going to do. That way you’re not caught off guard. You’re not in a situation where you’re feeling trapped because you feel like it’s rude to leave. Sometimes we’re so focused on proper etiquette that we don’t take care of ourselves and so we become more focused on pleasing other people. But really taking care of yourself sometimes means disappointing other people, and that’s okay because they’ll get over it if they care about you and they understand how to take care of yourself first.
That’s what self care is. Looking out for yourself, because if you don’t do it, then you’ll find yourself run down and feeling resentful. You find that balance and maintain and protect your boundaries.
WI: What are some reasonable steps for people to take to make progress towards their New Year’s resolutions?
Dr. Leno: So, we make these resolutions and we have these high hopes, and sometimes we don’t stick to them. It kind of goes with the idea of looking at it as all or nothing. And what happens is, when people don’t accomplish that New Year’s resolution within a certain amount of time, they feel like a failure.
When making your New Year’s resolution, you want to be practical. You want to be able to figure out what is that thing that you want to accomplish? Your ‘why’ needs to be something that’s really important for you. If you can’t figure out why it really makes you feel good and gives you motivation to wake up in the morning, then that may not be your New Year’s resolution. You may be doing it for some other purpose or for someone else. So figure out your ‘why’ first and be very practical.
So if your goal is to travel more, you may not be able to travel the world in one year because of other obligations, but you can to a couple of places on your list. I always say the best way is to take baby steps and then if you can accomplish more, you’re feeling more accomplished versus feeling like a failure. Give yourself some grace to have a little bit of leniency.
I also believe in writing things down, not necessarily typing them out on your phone or your laptop, but I like to write things down because there’s a connection when we’re writing. Write down what you want to accomplish, and start now.
